Raw and Real

Today I headed out to the park to play frisbee with Sunni while there was fresh snow on the ground and temps in the low 20’s. As we were walking down to the garage, I fully recognized what I was doing – I was in avoidance mode.

I’m also aware this came to mind because the one blog I do have ready, with three I have in the rough and unfinished stage, is on coping mechanisms. The irony does not escape me.

I will give myself a high-five for recognizing what I am doing. Then, I am going to go a step further and understand that I have reverted to an old, one I had hoped in the past, perfectionism habit.

And now another layer. Why am I falling back on this when I have been making good and solid strides forward in overcoming trauma?

The answer partly lies with the emotional memories I feel buffeting me.

I, truthfully, have had a rough few days and anticipate more in these weeks leading up to March 1st. 5 years ago, my husband had the kids pick me up something for Valentine’s Day. They got me our traditional single red rose and a red heart-shaped box of Russel Stover chocolate with the word “Be YOU tiful” on the top. I had gotten him his single red rose and a box of Sweet Tarts, his favorite. Then, I took Peter to what turned into a difficult oncology appointment. Although it was not as difficult as the following week’s or the next, it started the last dominoes standing to fall.

5 years. For some reason, I keep thinking that each year will get easier. I should know better by now – there is no easier, but grief does evolve. Year 2 was far worse than year 1. Year 2 is when you can’t escape the fact your loved one is not coming back. Last year was not quite as difficult, but this year, this year I seem to be confronting more emotional memories than I had even in year 2.

I’ve been trying to make sense of all the emotions I am holding tightly to. It’s like trying to keep a floodgate closed.

Yet, I find I am slowly, as gently as possible, pulling away layer upon layer to get, if not an answer, at least some clarity around why I am reverting to an old habit. Not only avoidance but perfectionism, too.

I have worked hard, overcome significant obstacles – including those of my own making – and not only named but faced many of my fears. For goodness sake, I wrote a book!

Yet here I am, avoiding something I really want to do.

Because I am overthinking.

Well, how’s that for an Ah-Ha moment?!

I’m overthinking each blog, reworking it to be “perfect” when letting it flow with what messily comes out is more real than anything polished and “perfect.” To compassionately connect means we invite each other into the raw and real of this moment and give ourselves grace while we work through the layers.

So, my friend, here I am, being raw and real. Avoidance, perfectionism, and overthinking were what helped me protect myself. The work I have been doing to unearth has pulled away enough layers that I am more open to and aware of emotions. I think the profoundly emotional memories I’m experiencing hit a healing wound that is not yet closed. In response, and I give myself grace in knowing it’s a protective one, even if it’s one I had hoped I’d evolved out of, I took a step backward into the old and familiar of what my subconscious thought of as safety.

The wound may not be fully healed, and I’ve taken what I consider a step backward, but I am sitting here writing. No longer avoiding. And more, willing to be imperfect with a desire to compassionately connect, with love, even if it is messily expressed.

And, I hope, my friend, as I write from my gut and my heart, that you find something that resonates with you and lets you know You Are Not Alone in your own raw, real, and perfectly imperfect 💙

The raw and real photo is of me giving my husband his daily blood-thinner injection, just weeks before his passing.