Ask for what you need.
This sounds simple, but for nurturers and caregivers like you and me, this is usually a challenging thing to do. Especially as it is for something that is for you personally.
I write about asking for and accepting help in a chapter dedicated to it and throughout my caregiver book, You’re Not Alone: A Caregiver’s Story and Guide Through the Loneliness, Overwhelm, and Practicalities (book link).
Today, however, I am not writing about the help you need during your caregiving, as essential as that is.
I am presenting to you something I, myself, am working on. It is something that came up in conversation recently. And it’s a topic my friend (@todaywithtamara) posts on, and it impacts me every time.
Ask for what you need.
A little history. As you may know, March 1st is the anniversary of my husband’s passing after 13 months of battling cancer. I was his full-time spouse caregiver. Each year has affected me differently. Each year, I hear from different people in different ways. Each year, I try to do something self-nurturing and self-loving.
Last week, while I was talking with someone I love and respect, she made a point that echoed Tamara. She encouraged me to let others, particularly those I love, know how, when, or if I would like to hear from them, receive from them, or meet up and do something with them.
In previous blogs, I have stated that others cannot read your mind. They do not know what you need, want, or even who you are unless you share with them.
This is important, especially on anniversaries, birthdays, or other personal events.
Let your family know if you want to go out to dinner for your birthday or have a special one at home. If you need a girls’ or boys’ night out, let your friends know. If you need a phone call or a message, let others know. This also applies if you do not want something to happen. A personal example: Since I was a child, I never liked the birthday sing and scene thing at restaurants, but I enjoy the dinner out and free dessert 🎂 or a bouquet of flowers 💐.
Ask for what you need. Others cannot read your mind.
I am aware this may not only be difficult but uncomfortable. You may feel selfish. However, I am coming to understand that your request is not selfish. In fact, it is the opposite. Especially if silently within yourself, you hope someone will do something for you.
Think about that for a moment.
Your experiences with anniversaries, especially emotional ones like the passing of a loved one, past birthdays, other events, or holidays are personal. They are uniquely yours. How your loved one, family, or friends, experienced the same event differs from yours. They will not know what you need unless you tell them; they cannot read your mind. And vice versa.
And so, my friend, the next time an important day in your life approaches, connect with those you love and trust with your vulnerability. Ask for what you need 💙
