We are not the roles we have in life. Who we are makes us suited for and able to excel in our roles.

But what can happen over time, particularly for nurturers and caregivers, is we find our value, our worth – our identity – as what we do for others, our roles. In so doing, we bury who we are under our roles.

Then, life’s anticipated progressions happen: careers change, children leave the nest, retirement, even relocation. We may also face unexpected, unwelcome realities: death, relationship changes, disease, disability, or other health issues – our own, family, or friends.

Unbidden, our roles in life have changed. This is how we can find ourselves asking Who Am I? Life’s anticipated progressions and uninvited realities can create an identity shift and awareness.

I am a nurturer by nature. My desire to help others directed my career choices and activities toward education and coaching. Being a public school teacher, volunteer, wife, mother, and personal trainer was natural and comfortable for me. Well before understanding your why became a component in focusing one’s life and career building, I understood that helping others was central to why I chose the work and lived the life I did.

In the fall of 2013, I was a trailing spouse. My husband had accepted a position eighteen hundred miles away from our home. I was leaving behind my profession as a personal trainer and our two adult children. I was moving to an unknown, fully aware that my husband would be immersed in his new job. From experience, I knew it would fall on me to hold down everything at home, a home that was not only significantly moved but empty of my chicks. In time, I made beautiful friendships and returned to personal training.

My identity was tied to caring for others. And, as happens naturally with the passage of time, kids leave the nest, and relationships and careers change. For me, I experienced all of these in a short amount of time. And so, I began to wonder who I was. It wasn’t exactly that I didn’t recognize myself anymore. But, principal identifiers in my life were either no longer there (mom with kids to nurture and raise) or were what I began to understand were unhealthy for me (approval seeker, people pleaser). It wasn’t even that I reached a point in understanding that if I didn’t prioritize my self-nurturing and well-being, no one else would. It was that I wanted more from my life than I was giving it, and I wanted to feel joy and contentment in my day.

I sought out the help of a therapist and had conversations with other women. I was putting in the work to unearth who I was. I started owning that I was where I was in life through my choices and responses to life challenges. I started to accept that I was the best parent I knew how to be at the time. I was working on both personal and professional development. I was learning to embrace myself with grace to know I did the best I knew how to do. And as I was becoming more self-aware, an idea was forming to create a community of others who would support, encourage, and learn from each other as they found themselves on a similar path as mine.

Then my husband was unexpectedly diagnosed with Stage IV Kidney Cancer, and I was immediately thrust into the role of spouse caregiver. My previous life roles had developed my gift of nurturing others with love and compassion – a critical caregiving component – so I instantly, seamlessly fell into this new role. Everything, including my well-being, was set aside to focus on caregiving for my husband while he battled cancer.

After my husband passed on March 1, 2020, I was immersed in life changes as a new widow, including living in a global pandemic while grieving. I started writing a book to help myself grieve and heal and with the desire to support other caregivers. As I grieved, reflected, worked with my therapist and wrote, I discovered an essential part of caregiving that is overlooked – the importance of loving oneself with grace and kindness and the vital tie this has to healthy caregiving for everyone. Three years later, as I navigate a life I had never foreseen, I use writing and photography to help me process the question of Who Am I.

The earlier idea to create something to help others on a similar journey turned into writing my first book (You’re Not Alone: A Caregiver’s Story and Guide Through the Loneliness, Overwhelm, and Practicalities) and launching this blog. My blogs are discussions around life’s revelations, anticipated changes, and unexpected challenges, often with a quirk of humor. It is about my journey as I move from asking Who Am I towards Who I Am, and in time confidently shouting it to the mountain tops.

I hope that as I share my journey of unearthing and evolving, there is something you can identify with that will encourage you, make you laugh, or bring inspiration.

I welcome you into this safe and compassionate community as we unearth ourselves and discover the joy in embracing who we are.