Don’ts Are Easy

Are you a “don’t” or a “do” statement maker?

Let’s be honest, after all, it’s just you and me here. How often do you hear yourself say anything like: “I don’t want to turn out like my Aunt Gertie,” “I don’t want to be XYZ,” “I don’t like it when…”. Think about your week, maybe even today. How many “I don’ts” have you expressed?

I remember a pivotal conversation I had with the cancer center therapist I was working with towards the end of my husband’s cancer battle. This conversation happened about five months after he passed. We were all in the midst of the 2020 COVID shutdown. I had transitioned from staying with family to living at the rustic seasonal cabin in northern MN. Cell phone reception was sketchy, so I was parked in the parking lot of a community center. I was feeling profoundly lost emotionally, and I was trying to process through my complicated grief. All very understandable.

During the conversation, I was spiraling into statements of what I didn’t want, who I didn’t want to be like, and what I didn’t want to do. My therapist compassionately listened.  And then she paused me and asked a straightforward question – what DO you want?

She challenged me to turn my statements of what I don’t want into what I do want.

I’ll sincerely and bluntly state that what she challenged me with stopped me in my tracks. Her challenge forced me to pause and reflect, to reach deep inside. At that point in time, I was avoiding looking too deeply because of the loss, pain, and grief.

Dos are hard; it’s far easier to be a don’t statement maker.

To make “do” statements requires you to put in the work. You have to take responsibility for your part, make your choices, and take the action steps to make them happen.

It’s not until you make the time for yourself, to look inside and not shy away from the fear, the unfamiliar, the discomfort that you will start on the amazing journey of unearthing, evolving, and blooming. Like self-nurturing, “do” statements are essential for your well-being. They connect you with the unique and beautiful person you are, the one often hidden behind the roles you hold for others.

I extend to you the same challenge my therapist gave me. When you hear yourself making a “don’t” statement, pause and reflect on what the “don’t” statement is actually expressing about your thoughts or emotions. Then, turn it into a “do” statement that gives you a direction, a point along the path of embracing who you are.

Imagine, my friend, what will open up within you when you strive to recognize and act on what you want to do, not on what you don’t.